For many, the holidays can be a time of deep reflection, longing, or anxiety, especially if you’re navigating family estrangement. Whether your distance from family members has lasted a few months or several years, the emotional weight of that estranged relationship often becomes more intense during family gatherings.
Maybe you’ve had a falling out with a parent, sibling, or estranged friend. Maybe you’ve decided to go no-contact for your own well-being, or perhaps you’re the one holding out hope for a future reconnect. Wherever you are in this complex process, it’s okay to feel conflicted.
At Sunstone Counseling, we work with clients who are navigating painful experiences like these every day. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer—but there are ways to approach potential reconnection or boundaries with thoughtfulness, self-care, and clarity.
Not sure how to start the conversation? Let us help you find the words and the support you need.
Why the Holidays Make This So Hard
The holidays are deeply tied to family traditions, connection, and the idea that everyone should come together. But for many people, that expectation feels impossible—or even harmful.
Seeing other family members gather or post joyful photos can trigger waves of grief, anger, or even shame. You might wonder what went wrong, why it still hurts, or whether you should be doing something different. You’re not alone.
In fact, a growing number of adult children are navigating parental estrangement, sometimes from both biological parents, sometimes from just one. The causes vary: generational trauma, hurtful behavior, betrayal, or differing values can all play a role. But no matter the reason, the feelings around estrangement are real and valid.
What To Say to an Estranged Family Member
If you’re considering reaching out to an estranged family member, start with your intentions. Are you seeking closure? Rebuilding? Simply acknowledging their presence during a difficult season?
Here are a few therapist-recommended openers that prioritize safety, empathy, and openness:
1. “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to reach out.”
This simple line specifically expresses care without pressure. It opens the door to conversation.
2. “Would you be open to talking sometime soon?”
Consent matters. This gives the other person space to decide what feels right for them.
3. “I know we’ve both been through a lot. I’d like to talk if and when you’re ready.”
Affirms your desire to reconnect while acknowledging painful experiences.
4. “This isn’t about making excuses—I just miss you.”
It can be a healing phrase when emotional distance was caused by miscommunication or slow drift.
5. “I’d like to find a way to be in each other’s lives again, even if it looks different than before.”
This centers hope and flexibility—key in rebuilding a healthier relationship.
Remember: you don’t need to cover all the things in one call or message. The goal is to begin—or begin again.
What Not to Say
The wrong words can reopen wounds. Even with good intentions, avoid phrases that may sound invalidating or defensive:
- “Let’s just forget the past.”
- This disregards painful experiences and may feel dismissive.
- “I don’t remember why we stopped talking.”
- While true for some, this can invalidate the other person’s experience.
- “You’re being too sensitive.”
- Language like this contributes to emotional shut-down and prolongs estrangement.
- “Let’s just act normal at the family gathering.”
- Pushing past unresolved feelings can cause more harm than good.
- “It’s the holidays—can’t you just let it go?”
- Guilt-tripping doesn’t support reconnection; it fuels resistance.
Instead, keep your focus on your own behavior, not theirs. You can acknowledge harm, express care, and still hold boundaries.
When Family Support Looks Different
It’s important to remember that your chosen family, trusted friends, therapists, or other loved ones can be just as meaningful as biological relatives.
If it’s not safe or possible to reconnect with an estranged family member, you’re allowed to create new traditions, new memories, and a new sense of belonging. You can invite friends to holiday meals, write letters to express unsaid thoughts (even if you don’t send them), and focus on protecting your mental health during a tender season.
When to Seek Help
If the holidays are bringing up old pain, anxiety, or self-doubt, working with a therapist can help you find peace and clarity. At Sunstone Counseling, we support clients in:
- Processing estrangement from parents, siblings, or extended family
- Navigating complex feelings around contact, reconciliation, or moving on
- Preparing emotionally for hard conversations or the possibility of being let down again
- Setting boundaries while still offering compassion
- Exploring how family dynamics have shaped one’s view of relationships and self-worth
Sometimes it takes hearing, “You don’t have to do this alone,” to believe it’s true.
You Deserve Support—Whatever Path You Choose
Reaching out to an estranged family member isn’t an easy decision. Neither is maintaining distance. But both can be acts of love—for yourself, for your own life, and sometimes, for the relationship itself.
Whether you choose to talk, write, wait, or let go, your feelings matter. Your story matters. And with the right support, healing can happen, even if it looks different than expected.
At Sunstone Counseling, we’re here to help you navigate difficult moments, strengthen your support system, and care for your well-being this season. Reach out to us today.
